


Until your distress sleeps (fill me up with your grief)

by Moonyki



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Alternative Universe where Jongin isn't in EXO, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Some fantasy / magical aspects, Taekai aren't friends in the beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 17:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16179671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonyki/pseuds/Moonyki
Summary: Taemin's sadness after Jonghyun's death broke him into a hundred tiny pieces scattered everywhere. He doesn't know how to heal and where to even start. But then Jongin enters his life and starts picking him up.





	Until your distress sleeps (fill me up with your grief)

**Author's Note:**

> This has been my therapy-writing for the past few months and it's finally finished. It's a bit difficult to tag, so please, be extremely careful.  
> It contains some personal thoughts & views but most important of all, it treats heavily of Jonghyun's passing and the pain it triggered.

.

Taemin wasn't sure to know how and when Jongin came into his life. He still remembered with an intense accuracy how he had felt when his eyes had met Jongin's for what seemed to be the first time. His face looked familiar, like he had seen him a million times already like Jongin had always been there, somewhere in the corner of his mind and life, but he couldn't exactly get any precise memory of him back before that day.

It was unsettling, to say the least. And at first, it made Taemin really confused about the man. It was odd, the way he was drawn to Jongin and yet felt too shy to come closer to him. He had a feeling, deep in his guts, telling him that Jongin was an ocean and that if he leaned too close, he would fall in it and drown.

It felt like weeks, -but maybe it was only a few days, Taemin couldn't tell- before he managed to gather enough courage to talk to him. At first, Jongin was just a presence nearby; their eyes would meet, Taemin's throat would tighten, but then he forced himself to look away. He didn't even question why Jongin kept appearing wherever he was. His mind was too tired, his heart was too sad, and he had no energy left to question why a man with such a delicate aura was always looking at him across the room.

Taemin never noticed the way Jongin moved around people, so slowly, as if he was afraid of them, only to come closer to him. Their shoulders brushed, or sometimes their fingers, and most of the time, Taemin was blind to that too. He always took a deeper breath afterward, as if he was suddenly able to breathe after being underwater for hours.

After a little while, the turmoil he felt whenever he noticed Jongin, softened. He still couldn't tell where that intimacy that invaded his lungs each time he saw Jongin came from, but it was laced with a deep feeling of comfort and warmness.

"Have we met before?"

One day, when Taemin saw Jongin, he didn't force himself to look away. Instead, he locked his eyes on him and walked to him. He had bought one large coffee flooded in cream and sugar, turned around, and his eyes had fallen on the curled up silhouette sat at the table in the corner of the coffee shop. He walked up to him and felt his heart constrict on itself, as every time he took one step forward, Jongin's eyes widened a bit more. By the time he stopped in front of him, Jongin looked like a deer, scared and cornered.

Taemin sat in front of him and put his coffee on the table.

At his question, Jongin stayed silent. His eyebrows furrowed a bit because he wasn't sure what Taemin meant by 'before'. They had seen each other the day before.

"I mean," Taemin tried again. "Have we talked before today?"

Jongin shook his head slowly.

Taemin pursed his lips until they formed a thin line. His heart was beating a bit fast, and for a second, he considered the fact that maybe, the man in front of him didn't mean good. Maybe he was a stalker. Maybe he should be warier. It felt like a heavy fog was slowly dissipating from his mind, allowing him to see the situation as it was, and it made him nervous.

"I'm Jongin."

Taemin tilted his head, and Jongin smiled at him. A very small, shy smile that eased all the anxiety inside Taemin.

They didn't say anything else. They stayed like that for so long that Taemin forgot about the concept of time itself. He felt Jongin's foot against his, and the heaviness on his heart eased a bit.

Taemin left when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He wondered how long he would have stayed if Minho didn't call him. Probably until one of the waitresses in the coffee shop asked for them to leave, late at night. He wished he could have stayed there, in Jongin's comforting silence, for a few days.

When he got up and put his chair back, Taemin saw Jongin hold out his napkin to him. Jongin was looking at his empty cup of tea, and Taemin took the napkin. He unfolded it to find a phone number.

"Thank you."

Jongin's cheeks heated up a bit at Taemin's words.

.

-

.

At first, Taemin didn't understand why Jongin would even give him his phone number. They saw each other almost every day. Every time Taemin went out, Jongin would be there, somewhere, crossing a street, waiting awkwardly in a corner of a shop where Taemin was meeting Kibum, or sitting on a bench. Sometimes, Taemin would walk to him and greet him. Sometimes, he would smile at him in the distance, and not notice the moment Jongin would come closer to gently brush his fingers against his elbow.

But one day, Taemin figured it out. He was laying on his bed, looking at his ceiling, and he couldn't move. His whole body felt so heavy that he couldn't bring himself to get up. His lungs were so heavy inside his chest. He wished he could call Jinki but it felt so difficult to form coherent words and sentences. The mere idea of being with someone else was exhausting him.

So he couldn't comprehend why he wanted Jongin to appear. Jongin was a person too, it should be tiring to think of him. But he rolled over in a sigh, to grab his phone laying on the nightstand, and he searched for Jongin's number.

"Can I see you?"

"Yes. Where are you?"

Jongin's voice sounded tiny, fragile, and so shy. When Taemin answered that he was at home, he heard Jongin ask where it was. For some reason, it both surprised and reassured him.

When Jongin hung up on him, Taemin felt a sob rise in his chest. His room, the silence, the air, everything was suffocating him. His thoughts kept coming and going, twirling around in the same darkest places, bringing tears to his eyes.

He had no idea how long he waited for Jongin, but it felt like an eternity. Like he had spent a thousand years of torture produced by his own mind before he heard a soft knock on his bedroom's door.

Taemin's mother had let Jongin come all the way there. When he entered Taemin's room, Jongin immediately made his way to the bed and sat on it. Taemin turned his head to him slowly, as if it required far too much effort from him.

"I'm here," Jongin whispered.

Taemin opened his mouth to greet him, or to thank him, he wasn't sure, but all that came out was another sob. Before he could realize what was happening, he was crying. There were so many tears spilling from his eyes he didn't see Jongin lay down, but he felt two arms bringing him against a warm chest. Somehow, his cries got worse once he was securely held by Jongin. His hands clung on Jongin's shirt as his voice broke into desperate wails.

All of his sorrow and exhaustion burst in his lungs and he let them go, one tear after the other. For a while, it felt like he would never be able to stop crying. But Jongin was stroking his back in such a soothing manner, that eventually, it calmed down.

Taemin took the tissue Jongin was handing him, and loudly blew his nose. He would have been mortified, to be so gross in front of someone, if it wasn't Jongin. But here he was, with his face hidden in the crook of Jongin's neck. And he realized that the man had come all the way here from wherever he had been, didn't ask any question, and let him ruin his shirt with all those tears. So hearing him blow his nose probably wasn't such a big deal to him.

"One of my best friends died one month ago," Taemin heard himself stammer. "It's been one month already... Today. It's one month."

Jongin's arms tightened around him.

"I try to be brave, and I try to be strong," Taemin hiccuped, "but I don't understand anything that's going on. And I miss him. And I want to see him."

Taemin's eyes were unfocused. He was looking at Jongin's neck but couldn't see it. The sigh he breathed out wavered in the silence between them. Taemin wasn't used to cry and his head was hurting badly.

Jongin's hand came to stroke his hair, and it felt to Taemin as if the storm inside of him was calming down. As if Jongin was slowly picking up every little part of him scattered around. Hopefully to put him back together.

Taemin didn't like to break down in front of others. He didn't like to see them sad for him, he didn't like to see them struggle to find words that never sounded right, neither to them nor him. But Jongin was quiet, and it was easier that way. Each caress of his long fingers on Taemin's hair felt like a silent promise that he would be okay.

Like Jongin understood his sorrow, truly and deeply.

.

-

.

Taemin wondered what Jongin did all day. And why he was always available for him. No matter when Taemin called, no matter where he was, Jongin would find him and come to him. He would hold him tight and let him talk his heart out.

Taemin wondered why Jongin kept coming back to him. But he never asked. Asking was a bit too scary. He had no idea what kind of answer he wanted to hear, and thinking about it made him anxious. So he tried not to.

Through each new day, Taemin did his best, over and over again, to smile and to be stable. He kept going to his appointments with his therapist and talked about how much he missed Jonghyun. How much he craved to hear him once more. How every morning when he woke up, there was a small, fragile moment, that lasted a few seconds, where he forgot about what happened and everything was nothing more than a bad dream.

Then, there were the times when he could be insecure, broken and sad, without having to talk. Jongin never asked any explanation. He simply came, linked their pinky fingers, and took a bit of Taemin's pain away.

"How did you find me?" Taemin asked, one day.

They were in his room, laying on his bed, facing each other. They were holding hands and Jongin's thumb rubbed over Taemin's palm.

Taemin was looking directly into his eyes and he felt his heart shrink when Jongin looked away. He seemed timid, all of a sudden.

"Jonghyun asked me to take care of you."

It had only been a whisper, but Taemin heard it, loud and clear, and it made him freeze.

"What?" he murmured.

"Jonghyun asked me to take care of you," Jongin repeated, still as quiet as the first time.

Taemin straightened up on his elbow. He looked so lost that Jongin wondered if he should have kept quiet, but Taemin didn't try to take his hand away and it reassured him.

"You knew him?"

Jongin nodded. Taemin stared at those big, soft eyes of him and felt nauseous.

A billion thoughts were assaulting him all at the same time and he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to order them.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You never asked. I didn't want to burden you."

Taemin opened his mouth but closed it immediately after. It suddenly occurred to him that he didn't know a single thing about Jongin, other than his name. The realization was hurting him. Jongin's fingers tightened against his.

"But I have been burdening you so much... and I had no idea you were grieving too."

Jongin let go of Taemin's hand and reached out to soften the crease between his eyebrows with one finger.

"It's okay. I only want to help you."

It didn't make sense to Taemin, but he was tired, and he let himself fall back down on the bed. He shifted closer so that he could hold Jongin's forearm against his chest.

"How did you know him? I have no memory of him mentioning you."

"I was in elementary school, and he was already in high school. We lived in the same neighborhood, and we met in the library next to our houses."

"Were you two close?"

"I think, yes."

"Why did he never talk about you?"

"Because he knew it makes me uncomfortable."

Taemin moved enough to look into Jongin's eyes again.

"I don't like being around people," Jongin explained, in a tiny voice. "I find it scary."

Taemin smiled at him, but it was a bit sad, almost regretful.

"Still you come to me."

"Because it's you."

Taemin wanted to ask what he meant by that, but he didn't dare. This was another question where he didn't know what kind of answer he should expect.

.

-

.

It was difficult for Taemin to look at Jongin across a room without feeling worried. He seemed to only now realize how many people were constantly around him. When their eyes met in random moments, in random places, Taemin finally understood why Jongin always looked awkward and fragile. He tried to tell him that he didn't have to always look after him this way if it was too hard on him, but Jongin didn't listen.

"I only want to help you," Jongin answered with a pout.

.

-

.

Taemin never really thought deeply about how Jongin managed to find him even inside the building of SM Entertainment. But one day, he realized how people didn't seem to look at Jongin. When he finally paid attention to it, it was a very strange thing to witness. People would navigate so close to Jongin, as if they were drawn to him by some invisible force, but never really so much as glanced at him. As Jongin moved, they would shift around him, always trying to get closer, yet, never engaging with him. Taemin wondered how it was even possible. Jongin had quite a stature and he was a very handsome man. So it didn't make a lot of sense to Taemin, that people wouldn't look and gawk at him. Meanwhile, Jongin withdrew himself, each and every time, avoiding any contact, lowering his head any time someone came too close.

The first time Taemin saw Jongin have any physical contact with someone other than him, it was Minho. Jongin was only there because Taemin had called him. He had stayed in a corner of the room where Taemin, Minho, Kibum, Jinki and a small bunch of other people were talking. It was exhausting, all those talks. Taemin wanted them to end so that he could go to Jongin, sit next to him, and feel better. When he managed to do that, he thought back on what Jongin had told him, a few days ago.

_Jonghyun asked me to take care of you._

Taemin still had no idea what Jongin meant by that. But there was a depth to these words that Taemin couldn't quite grasp. There was a secret behind them that he didn't know of.

When someone called for Taemin from the other side of the room, he let go of Jongin's hand, excused himself, and went away. Jongin whispered that it was okay and that he would wait. And from the corner of his eyes, Taemin kept looking at him. Jongin looked so small and delicate, sitting on his bench. He looked concerned as if he was pondering over something very important.

Then Taemin saw him get up and move around, ever so gracefully. And he noticed the way Jongin brushed his hand over Minho's arm. He saw the way Jongin closed his eyes, and how Minho sighed of relief. Jongin shifted as if he was dancing; his fingers stroked Jinki's hand. He closed his eyes again. Jinki shivered. Taemin blinked and felt his heart race in his chest when his eyes couldn't find Jongin anymore.

Jongin went out on the balcony and found Kibum. He stayed there, silent. His lips parted in surprise when Kibum turned around to look at him directly. His face was calm but there was a storm in his eyes. When Jongin came closer, Kibum stepped back, bumping against the rail behind him, and brought his arms against his chest. His reaction got Jongin to freeze, and his face twisted with regrets, but Kibum only gave him a gentle, tender smile.

"Please, don't do it," Kibum asked.

Jongin was unable to talk. His bottom lip quivered and he nodded.

"I need to feel it," Kibum continued in a whisper.

His words seemed to bring sadness to Jongin. He closed his eyes in understanding.

"He sent you to Taemin, didn't he?"

"Yes."

"Did he send people for Minho and Jinki?"

"I don't know."

Kibum sighed, he breathed out a shaky laugh, his eyes looking up to the sky as he bit his lips.

"Please, don't leave Taemin behind," Kibum said.

Jongin pinched his lips with a nod. He didn't intend to. But he understood the meaning behind Kibum's broken wish.

_Please don't leave Taemin behind as he left me._

"Are you mad?" Jongin asked.

"No, I am not mad. I am sad."

"If you ever need-..."

Jongin didn't finish his sentence, and Kibum smiled at him again. That sad, painful smile that still managed to give Jongin some comfort.

"I will call you, then."

The door of the balcony opened and a disheveled Taemin appeared, looking at the both of them in confusion. His eyes finally focused on Jongin and he let out a breath of relief.

"You're here," he muttered.

Jongin looked at him with wide eyes and a guilty pout. He took the few steps separating them and Taemin dived against him, hugging him close. He sighed, loudly, feeling the beginning of his panic attack calm down immediately.

Taemin had his face hidden in Jongin's chest. But Kibum saw the way Jongin winced and swallowed with difficulty as he tightened his hold around Taemin.

.

-

.

Some days were fine. They were extremely rare at first, but they came a little bit more often with times. Some days, Taemin would give Jongin a real smile. He called him to do something silly, like watch some animes, or for Jongin to see him dance. It made the moments of distress and relapses even more painful, but Jongin still cherished the occasions he had to see Taemin grin at him. It was far better to him than the apathetic, lethargic Taemin he had first approached.

At some point, Jongin had shown Taemin where he lived. It was a very small apartment, lost in the remote areas of the city. It took a long time for Taemin to come each time, but he didn't mind. He didn't mind at all. Jongin's place was a shelter; it was simple but lovely, it was cozy in every possible way. It burst with colors and it seemed so strange to Taemin. He had never thought about how Jongin would like to decorate a home but it surprised him. There were plants, here and there, colorful blankets and thrown pillows, pictures and children's drawings on the walls. It smelled so nice, so soft. It smelled of those candles Jonghyun liked so much.

Taemin loved to come there. When he was in that apartment, with Jongin, nothing could reach him anymore. He felt safe and protected. Leaning on Jongin, both of them sprawled over the couch in the main room as the sun was slowly setting, was his most favorite thing about his life lately.

One day, as he was playing with Jongin's fingers, he finally dared to ask questions.

"Jongin, how do you do that?"

"Do what?"

Taemin moved, tilting his head a bit against Jongin's shoulder.

"How can you make things better?"

Jongin didn't answer. He simply brushed his face in Taemin's hair. And Taemin continued.

"When you're around, the emptiness inside of me stops aching so much. At first, I felt so insecure and scared, thinking I would disappear inside that hollow if you went out of my sight. But you're not only stopping it from aching. You're healing me, aren't you? It's slow, but you're healing me. Like I'm being put back together and every time you leave, I feel just a tiny bit stronger instead of lost. How do you do that?"

The silence that answered Taemin didn't feel as comfortable as usual.

"Jongin, will you leave me? Will you leave me the day I'll be okay? If so, I don't want to be okay anymore."

"I won't."

Jongin's tone was low but firm.

"I won't leave you. Even in a thousand years."

Taemin squirmed against him, turning over to hug him back. His next question came, quiet, muffled against Jongin's shirt, and yet it rang so loudly.

"Are you an angel?"

"No, I'm not."

Jongin's voice was soft, and Taemin wondered why he sounded so contrite, so apologetic, so ashamed. His own question had been silly. He wasn't sure how serious he was. There was something about Jongin that seemed magical.

"Then, how can you make things better?" Taemin asked once more.

"I'm an empath," came Jongin's sorrowful answer.

Taemin moved his head to be able to face Jongin. He didn't like the way Jongin looked. Like he had done something wrong. Like he was a bad person.

"What is that?" Taemin inquired.

"I am someone who can feel the suffering of others. And I can take it away."

Taemin frowned; with one finger on Jongin's chin, he made the man look back at him.

"Please, explain me."

Jongin shifted beneath him and for a second, Taemin regretted everything he had said. Jongin sat up, forcing him off of him, and withdrew a bit like he didn't want to touch Taemin. Like he shouldn't embrace him in the first place. And Taemin really wanted to take everything back.

"I'm sorry," he started.

But Jongin brushed a finger against his lips and gave him half a smile. It was a bit bitter and Taemin didn't feel better.

"I can feel someone's sorrow from afar. I can see it in the aura around them. I am someone whom people feel drawn to because they need to release their pain. And when I touch them, I can understand their pain, deeply, and completely. I take a bit of it away from them; I take it with me and appease them."

Taemin blinked, very slowly, his mouth ajar.

"You've been taking my pain away?"

Jongin averted his eyes and Taemin saw a blush crept up his neck. It wasn't embarrassment, it was shame.

"I'm sorry. I only wanted to help."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I took something that was yours without asking."

"You've been healing me. You can't feel sorry for that."

Jongin didn't say anything. He had been scared that Taemin might react the same way that Kibum did. Maybe Taemin wanted to feel his own sadness. Jongin knew that all sorrow wasn't bad to feel and that sometimes, it was healthy to just go through the pain. But seeing Taemin suffering was so unbearable for him. And he knew that was the reason why Jonghyun had asked him to take care of him.

All he could see painted on Taemin's face was gratitude and concern. It was a relief. Knowing that he didn't do a terrible mistake was a relief.

"How does it work?" Taemin murmured. "Is it only when you touch me with your hands?"

"No," Jongin answered. "It happens if our shoulders brush. Or when you touch me too."

"So, it's all of you."

"Yes."

Taemin brought his legs against his chest and rested his chin on his knees.

"How does the healing part works?"

"I am not quite sure," Jongin sighed. "There was no book for me to read about it. I think-... When I touch someone, I can feel their suffering as my own. I relieve them of the pain itself, so they can focus on what truly makes them sad. I'm not really healing you, I think you're doing that on your own because I eased some of your torments. I give you space and calm, so you can focus on getting better."

Taemin frowned, he wasn't sure that he understood all of that correctly. Apparently, Jongin himself didn't comprehend all of it either. But a few words kept coming back to Taemin's mind, along with that face Jongin made when he touched Minho and Jinki, once.

"Is it painful to you?"

Taemin's voice was tiny and scared. He looked over at Jongin and his heart broke inside his chest when he saw him avoid his eyes.

"Jongin? Does it hurt you to help me?"

He asked again, and his voice broke into a sob. Jongin finally looked over at him and gritted his teeth, as if he was struggling.

Taemin understood. It wasn't difficult to interpret that silence, still, he hoped Jongin would just say no. But the silence between them stretched until Taemin closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

"I've been hurting you all along," he chocked.

Taemin heard Jongin move and he immediately opened his eyes again. He scurried away from him, almost falling off the couch, got up to his feet and hurried to take shelter against a wall.

"Don't do that."

There was a plea in Jongin's voice. He looked so hurt that Taemin felt his breath get caught up in his lungs. He wondered if Jongin could see it, in that aura he spoke about.

"I don't want to hurt you," Taemin confessed.

"I don't care about the pain, please Taemin, don't push me away. I only want to help you. That's all I care about."

"But-..."

Jongin interrupted him.

"Please. It's not so bad. I can take it. I can take it if it's for you. Please."

Taemin let himself slide against the wall. He was so tired and none of this was making sense. Letting Jongin help would end up hurting the man. But shoving him away seemed to be even worse. He didn't really want to be bound to cause pain to Jongin.

He felt a sudden wave of calm and his eyes fell on Jongin's hand, stroking his naked ankle.

"Does it hurt you too when I'm okay?"

"No," Jongin said.

It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't a complete truth either, and Jongin felt bad for it. In theory, it wouldn't hurt to touch him if Taemin was truly happy. But Jongin had never touched anyone who was genuinely happy, so he couldn't tell.

"I'll try to feel better soon," Taemin gasped.

He felt overwhelmed and a small voice inside his head told him that he was about to hurt Jongin, but it went quiet. Jongin pulled him into his arms and hugged him.

"There's no hurry. I won't leave you."

After that afternoon, Taemin grew a bit wary whenever he was with Jongin. As if he needed to assess his level of sorrow to decide if he would share it with Jongin or not. He tried to touch him more when he felt alright. He would give Jongin one of his biggest grins and snuggle up to him. And Jongin didn't have the heart to tell him that it was still painful, because Taemin was never truly okay.

Still, Taemin gave him something he had never felt before. It made sense, to have Taemin against him. It gave him a purpose. The way Taemin was so careful with touching him gave meaning to Jongin's heartbeats.

.

-

.

When Jongin entered Taemin's room, he found him crouched, curled up under the window. Taemin hadn't answered any of his messages or calls for two days, and Jongin knew how special the 8th April was.

"Taemin?"

He called him, as softly as he could, as if he was trying to tame a wild animal. Jongin took a few steps forward, but Taemin suddenly perked up and glared at him. It made him freeze in shock. He had seen Taemin crying, sobbing, smiling, laughing, pouting, sleeping. He even saw him lazy or apathetic and unable to move. But now Taemin was angry.

"Go away."

Jongin could tell it was a very painful wrath. He knew he shouldn't get hurt by Taemin's words because they were laced with suffering and he probably didn't mean them. But they wounded him all the same.

"Talk to me," Jongin offered.

"I don't want to talk to you. I want you to get the fuck out of my house."

"I'm not leaving you like this."

Taemin snorted and hid his face against his arms again. Jongin tried to come closer but Taemin's icy tone stopped him again.

"Don't you dare touch me. Don't you fucking dare."

Jongin lowered his gaze and sat on the ground, against the door, as far away from Taemin as he could. He wanted to ask what he did wrong but he knew better than to talk right now. Instead, he let Taemin fume in his corner. He didn't like to see him grit his teeth and tremble like that but he waited.

Eventually, Taemin blew up.

"When-... When was it, uh?" Taemin snapped. "When was it that Jonghyun-... When did he tell you to take care of me?"

"The day before."

_The day before he died._

Jongin didn't say it, but it floated around. Taemin grunted and threw his fist against the wall. It made him cry and Jongin jumped a bit, his eyes wide in distress.

"Taem-..."

"Why didn't you help him?" Taemin suddenly screamed, interrupting him.

Jongin's face fell. Taemin's pain was so thick and heavy it made it difficult for him to breathe. His heart shrank inside his chest and tears filled his eyes.

Jongin knew that day would come. He knew Taemin would ask those questions. But he hadn't prepared himself enough.

"Why didn't you touch him more? Why didn't you glue yourself to him until he felt better?" Taemin was screeching; wide, crazy eyes staring at the floor. "If only you had helped him better, I wouldn't need you at all."

Jongin sobbed but Taemin didn't hear it. He kept spilling venom, cowering on himself. Jongin saw his hand clench his tee-shirt, right against his heart.

"I don't want to see your face. I don't want you to make it better now. I wish you hadn't failed him. Did you even try? Did you?"

"I did," Jongin whispered.

"It wasn't good enough," Taemin spat.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I hate you."

"Please, don't say that."

Jongin's head was spinning. He tried to remember that Taemin was angry and that his grief was speaking for him but there were things he couldn't handle.

"Leave me alone," Taemin screeched. "I don't want to see you. Leave me alone."

"I couldn't help him," Jongin defended himself. "I tried, but I couldn't. I swear I tried. But I couldn't take his pain away, all I could do was talk to him and it wasn't enough. I'm sorry it wasn't enough. I'm sorry I couldn't help him. I wish I could have. But I was never able to take his pain away."

"Then what is the point?" Taemin started to cry. "What is the point if you can't take the pain of those who need it the most? Why not him?"

"Because he was like me."

It stopped Taemin's tears right away. He slowly straightened his head, looking in horror at the pitiful form of Jongin at the other side of the room. He was crying, silently. Taemin wondered when his tears had started.

"We could never take each other's pain," Jongin gasped, wiping his cheeks. "We tried so many times when it was too much... but we could only talk it out. I told him to go away, I told him to stop burdening himself with the suffering of so many people all the time, I told him to quit and to come with me. I told him it was easier when we're alone. But he didn't want to. I-... I really tried."

At some point, Taemin stopped listening to him. He couldn't hear anything anymore. There was a faint, buzzing sound in his ears and his whole body went slack against the wall. He tried to breathe in, but his lungs were so constricted it was painful. He kept blinking as his mind was invaded with a billion thoughts and memories of every time Jonghyun embraced him. Of every time Jonghyun cried while holding his hand. Of every time Jonghyun brought Minho into a hug and held him tight.

He gasped loudly, feeling like his sadness was about to overwhelm and drown him. It was going to choke him unconscious. He turned his head and saw Jongin look at him with fright. He moved so slowly to Taemin's eyes.

Jongin crawled his way to him but Taemin scattered away. He shook his head, not even realizing the thick tears spilling from his eyes.

"Don't," he sobbed.

Jongin frowned at him, clenching his fists.

"Let me help you."

"No," Taemin chocked. "No, it's too much. Jongin, it's too much."

Jongin's face softened. He looked deeply into Taemin's scared eyes and came closer. Taemin whimpered, but he had nowhere to escape to and Jongin brought him into his arms. For a second, Taemin fought and tried to hit his chest.

"It's too-... It's too much," he gasped.

Then he surrendered. He let himself fall into Jongin's arms and cried. It had been a while since he had cried that much against him. Maybe since the 18th of January.

Jongin closed his eyes and tried not to make a sound. Taemin's sadness was excruciating. It slowly crawled into him, clawing at his heart and insides. But he tightened his hold on Taemin, and then he could feel it. The very soft, delicate warmness spreading in his lungs; the relief that Taemin had let him in.

It took a bit more than one hour for Taemin to completely calm down. And then he apologized. Profusely. He kept saying how sorry he was no matter how many times Jongin told him that it was okay, that he was forgiven.

"I'm so sorry, Jongin."

"I know."

"I didn't mean it. It wasn't your fault."

"I know."

"I don't hate you."

Jongin stayed silent, and smiled, his face hidden in the crook of Taemin's neck.

_I don't hate you._

.

-

.

There was a small bench in Jongin's apartment. It was right underneath the window, and it was Taemin's favorite spot to sit on in the entire world. There was just enough space for two people, just enough for Jongin and him.

Taemin was sitting there, with his legs folded, leaning against the window. He turned his face away from the street below when Jongin sat in front of him and held out a cup of warm tea to him.

"Thank you."

Jongin answered with a nod.

"How are you feeling?" Taemin suddenly asked.

Jongin seemed surprised.

"I'm alright, why?"

"It's just-... you always know how I feel. But I can't see it. For you. I can't see how you feel. And I realized that I don't always ask, do I? I'm being very selfish with you."

"You're not selfish," Jongin countered, as he always did when Taemin blamed himself for anything.

It made Taemin smile bitterly.

"Yes, I am. And I'm very grateful that you keep helping me despite how poorly I'm acting with you."

Jongin looked at him with a bothered pout.

"I don't like when you say things like that."

"Ah, I'm sorry."

Jongin scrunched his nose and brought his cup to his face, hiding behind his drink for a while.

"Jongin, can we talk about Jonghyun?"

"Of course."

Taemin knew, when he heard his tender voice, that Jongin would talk about anything if he asked him.

Jongin shifted so that their knees touched and Taemin smiled.

"I'm not sad," he said.

And Jongin nodded. It was melancholy, more than sadness. It only brought him a faint little burn and he knew Taemin didn't even notice it.

"What do you want to talk about, exactly?"

"You've known him longer, maybe deeper than me," Taemin admitted.

"Not really," Jongin said. "We knew him differently. I don't think I knew him deeper, or better, or anything like that. I know another part of him. I think you know parts of him I never saw."

He could tell Taemin relaxed at that, and Jongin realized that the man in front of him didn't really want to talk about Jonghyun. Taemin wanted to hear about him. So Jongin talked.

"I've always looked up to him since we met. I thought he was really brave and kind, and I wanted to be just like him. I really wanted to be around people the same way he did, but I couldn't. It was too hard for me, so I was always alone."

"How did he manage it?"

"We were alike, but not exactly the same," Jongin confessed. "I can see people sadness from afar, but touching someone is the only way for me to help. Jonghyun was different. Even just standing next to someone, he could calm them down and ease them."

Taemin blinked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Did he? But wouldn't that mean that it was even worse for him to be around too many people?"

Jongin bit his bottom lip, looking uncertain.

"How can I say it...?" he whispered. "It's difficult because I've never experienced it myself, I couldn't feel it, but he told me that he was constantly working on people around him. It was like a faint steady flow. Touching would help and make it deeper. But for me-... I don't feel anything until there's a contact. And then, it all comes at once. It's vivid, intense, sudden. If several people touched me at once... It would be unbearable. Because it's not steady. Does it make sense?"

"I think it does."

"I also think that Jonghyun was stronger than me. He was never scared of someone else's pain. But I am."

Taemin straightened up. He put his cup of tea on the ground and shifted a bit closer to Jongin.

"I don't think touching people is the only way for you to help."

Jongin's eyes widened a bit in wonder and Taemin smiled.

"What you do is wonderful. And I think I would be very miserable lately if you hadn't taken care of me the way you did. But taking me in your arms me is not all you do. When you listen to me, when you talk to me, it helps. That's what other people do to comfort each other and you can do it too. I'm sorry for what I said last week. I'm sorry for ever saying that what you did for Jonghyun wasn't good enough."

"You don't have to apologize," came Jongin's faint voice.

"Yes, I do."

Taemin's fingers were hovering above Jongin's as if he really wanted to hold his hand and squeeze it. And comfort him. But he was holding himself back, knowing it might hurt Jongin more than help him.

"I miss talking to him," Jongin whispered.

"I do too," Taemin sighed. "He really had his way with words, didn't he? I miss listening to him."

It made Jongin smile and nod.

Taemin opened his mouth and closed it. He wished he could listen to Jongin too, he wished he could help him deal with all those conflicted, complicated feelings his friend had. He wished he could be of some help and support, but Jongin always avoided talking too deeply about himself. He kept saying that he didn't want to burden Taemin and he had proved already to be excessively stubborn with that desire to help him.

It lead Taemin to once again wonder about the point of all of this. Of him, of Jongin, of Jonghyun, of feeling each other's pain and of all this suffering. Why couldn't he reach Jongin the way Jonghyun had? Why didn't Jonghyun ask Taemin to take care of Jongin too? What was the meaning behind all those sparkles of hope that Jonghyun had left behind?

Taemin felt Jongin's fingers brush against his cheek and he straightened his head, his frown disappearing from between his eyebrows.

"What are you thinking about?" Jongin murmured.

"I'm thinking about us."

It brought a pink glow to Jongin's face.

"Oh," he said.

"Do you know why Jonghyun asked you to come to me?" Taemin inquired. "Did he say something else? Did he know-... Did he think I was... weak or something? I have all those questions and I'm not sure I'll ever get answers for them. It's tiring."

Jongin put his cup of tea aside and got closer. He cupped Taemin's face in his hands and looked at him with intense seriousness.

"You are not weak. Your pain doesn't make you weak and you are forbidden to think for even one second that Jonghyun ever thought of you that way."

"But-..."

"When he asked me to take care of you, he did so because he knew I needed you."

Taemin stayed silent for a moment, his face was twisting in wonders; he frowned, widened his eyes, sighed, blinked rapidly, scrunched his nose, unable to follow the train of his thoughts.

"What do you mean?"

Jongin let go of him and his gaze softened as it fell on the ground.

"It's all-... It's all complicated. During the last few weeks with you... I think I've started to understand things. Things he used to tell me that never made sense before. But I can't ask him for confirmation. I'm trying to untangle everything."

"Please, tell me," Taemin asked. "Let's figure it out together."

Jongin absentmindedly traced the round of his cup of tea with his fingers as he tried to find where to even start. All of his thoughts were so thick and heavy in his mind, he had no idea how to order them for Taemin to understand him.

"Even if it sounds a little bit of a mess," Taemin encouraged him in a whisper. "Tell me."

Jongin breathed in longly and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I told you already that I do not understand my ability quite well. When I was a kid, I was shy and I always hid in a corner, away from people. I used to read a lot because the characters couldn't hurt me and they made me understand my surroundings better. Jonghyun was the only person I ever met who was like me. I think he had other friends, though... I think he knew more empaths than just me. But I didn't want to meet them. I've spent my whole life trying to get away from others because I'm afraid of the pain and I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to feel all of that sadness constantly. And I couldn't understand why Jonghyun was always seeking to be around people when it's a physical and mental agony. I couldn't understand why I was alive and why I was like this, I couldn't understand why people had to suffer so much, I couldn't understand why he didn't protect himself and kept getting hurt by someone else's pain. It didn't make sense. It didn't make sense at all."

Jongin felt his throat get tighter and tighter until he could barely breathe and he stopped. He took one long inhale to calm himself down, and breathed out loudly. He didn't dare to look up to Taemin, because he could feel his compassionate sorrow radiate from him. He was scared to see tears in his eyes.

"But he said it gave him a purpose. He said I should stop being so scared and I should embrace what we were because my fear was only making everything worse. I didn't listen because every time I tried to touch someone, it burned and destroyed me so much that I couldn't accept that it was meaningful in any way. So I told myself that we were too different and that he didn't know what I'm really going through when I touch someone. It's not only transient sadness. I bring out the darkest part of someone, I bring out the hidden, buried misery so that people can let go of it through me. It's exhausting. So I went away from everything and everyone and sought peace in solitude. I thought it was better to be lonely than to be in pain. Jonghyun came to see me whenever he could. He tried to tell me to get back to the world, I tried to bring him away from it. And now... now I think I finally understand why he never listened to me. It's just as he said. It really is. I was so scared of touching someone, even by mistake, that it made every single contact excruciating. It was exacerbated by my anxiety and weeks, sometimes months, of not touching anyone."

Jongin held out his hand and carefully took Taemin's fingers in his. Taemin got startled by the gesture and tried to take his hand away but Jongin tightened his grip.

"But when I touch you, I feel warmth," Jongin whispered. And Taemin gasped when he heard the sob in his voice. "When you're scared to touch me, when you're careful not to hurt me, when you trust me enough to let your walls down, when you lean against me for comfort... all of this... it makes me so happy that I feel warmth. When I can see your face soften and when you sigh against me, it heals me in turn. Even your sadness isn't so painful to me anymore. I can just take it, knowing it makes you calmer, and I reach the peace I never managed to get on my own. With you, I understand everything Jonghyun tried to tell me. I know why he didn't want to let go of you, of the three others, of all those faces in an endless crowd. When I take your sadness, you give me a lot more with it. Giving you space in your heart for happiness, that's my own happiness."

There was something in Taemin's eyes that Jongin couldn't quite identify. His gaze on him was tender, infinitely delicate as his thumb brushed over Jongin's palm.

"It doesn't hurt so much anymore?" he asked gently.

"No."

"So," Taemin continued with a hint of a smile dancing on his lips, "Jonghyun knew that you needed to put your trust into someone. I'm-... I don't know... I'm glad? Or maybe rather... thankful. I'm thankful that he thought of me. I guess he knew I would need support too. Maybe he just saw us both lost, brought us together and hoped for the best."

Taemin's laugh was low and light in the room. Jongin pursed his lips and shook his head; he looked timid again.

"No, he knew exactly what he was doing. Even for him... even after what happened... I wouldn't have come to anyone but you. He knew that. That's why I was a bit mad at him when he asked me to take care of you. Because... of course, I'd do it if it was you."

Taemin's eyes widened impossibly in surprise and he saw Jongin curl up on himself, taking his cup of tea back to try to hide behind it.

"What do you mean?"

Taemin wondered why his voice was so acute. His heart soared in his chest at the sight of Jongin blushing in front of him.

"Maybe I've had a crush on you for a few years?" Jongin confessed in a question as if he needed to let himself an exit, in case Taemin reacted badly.

The silence stretched between them and Jongin finally dared to take a glance at Taemin, only to find him staring back at him with a red face and trembling lips.

"You've got to say more than that," Taemin croaked, barely louder than his crazy heartbeats.

"Are you mad at me?" Jongin murmured pitifully.

"Why would I be mad?"

"Because I haven't told you before. Also... I'm a man... and all of that."

Jongin made a vague gesture between them and Taemin blinked awkwardly.

"I'm not mad. You-... I mean, you don't owe me a confession at any particular time. I'm just... flustered. Can you please explain to me that “for a few years” thing? Because we've known each other for a few months so, you see, I'm a bit lost."

Jongin straightened up a bit, a sparkle of hope made his eyes shine, but it was soon replaced with shyness and a little bit of shame.

"I've heard about you for the past ten years and more. Jonghyun often spoke about you. And Kibum, and Minho, and Jinki. At first, I didn't like any of you, because I used to be Jonghyun's closest friend, so I was really jealous of how your band took off all of his time. I got even more jealous when he said you danced so well because he used to praise my dancing. He wanted me to meet you but I couldn't bring myself to it, so instead, he kept talking about everything you did all together and he showed me pictures of you and I grew fond of you. The first picture he showed me was of you and Minho I think, I mostly remember your smile and I thought you looked so lovely. It was the silliest thing, really. But then you all debuted as a band and... he kept talking about all of your personal achievements and mischiefs with such pride and I liked you more and more. I think he told me so much about you because he knew I was kind of... captivated. He was constantly teasing me. And then on TV, you were always so beautiful so... yeah. I've had a huge crush on you since forever. He tried to lure me out of my solitude countless times by promising me that he would introduce me to you... but I was still too scared. I mean, I was scared of people already. So meeting you, out of all of them... I knew I'd be awkward. I wanted to come to see you on stage too but I was terrified to be in a crowd; I thought I would die in there."

Taemin searched for something to say. Anything, from thoughtful to stupid. Just something to say. But he couldn't, and he stayed there, his mouth opened in a dumbfounded round, as Jongin squirmed in front of him.

Imagining a younger Jongin watching him on TV, listening to Jonghyun tell him about all the nonsense he had done and developing a crush on him, made him feel like his insides were twisting and his heart was inflating.

"I was really stressed the first time I searched for you. I didn't know how to find you, I didn't know if you really needed me. I was afraid that you wouldn't like me, that you'd find me stupid, or dumb. But when I saw you for real for the first time, you looked so... fragile. So I tried my best. I know I was probably really awkward and creepy. I didn't dare to speak too much, so I wouldn't bother you. I was hoping you'd let me stay around enough so I could help."

Taemin remembered so well all those times he had seen Jongin around, how uncomfortable and stressed out he had looked like. Suddenly it made sense. Suddenly, Taemin realized the depth of everything Jongin had done for him. How incredibly difficult it must have been for him to come out in the city and make his way to him.

"I don't know what to say," Taemin breathed out.

Jongin nibbled on his bottom lip and twisted his fingers.

"Did I upset you?"

Taemin frowned and put his face in his hands with a sigh.

"No... Jongin, no. I'm not upset at all. I just... can't believe you would do all of this. I don't know how to thank you. You've been so selfless with me, you've been so patient and kind even when I was only screaming at you and being unfair. And now you tell me all those things, it's overwhelming, and I feel so small and lost and undeserving but also warm and important and loved."

"Don't say that," Jongin murmured in a hush. "You don't need to thank me."

"But yes, I do. And I want to. And I have all those feelings for you, but I can't-... I don't know what to do with them, I'm scared to go too fast. But everything you said today is so important and I want to help you too. I want so many things for you."

Jongin lifted Taemin's face with one finger under his chin. He tilted his head to him and gave him a tiny, wavering smile.

"You don't owe me anything, Taemin. You can take all the time in the world to understand yourself and what you want. I'm not going anywhere. I won't go anywhere unless you ask me to. I'm not waiting for or expecting anything from you, not now and not in ten years. I'm staying next to you because I love everything that I know about you, everything that you let me see. May you one day love me or not, it won't change the fact that I care more about you than anything and anyone else. All that I hope is that you won't get uncomfortable or displeased with the feelings I have for you because I want to keep helping you and for that, I need to touch you sometimes."

Taemin let out a long exhale before he closed his eyes with a smile.

"Thank you," he said. "I'm sorry, I'm not good with words."

"It's okay."

"I'm not uncomfortable. Nor displeased. Not by your feelings and certainly not because you're a man."

"I'm glad then. Thank you."

"I'll take some time to figure myself out. But thank you for telling me all of this today. And I hope you won't doubt even for a second, that I appreciate all that you are and all that you do."

Jongin nodded softly. He didn't trust himself enough to speak when his throat was so tight with emotions. Taemin gave him a hesitant smile.

"I feel exhausted from all this talk..."

"Me too."

"Would you mind laying down for a moment, before I have to go?"

Jongin slowly got up. He had to move his legs carefully, as they had grown painful from staying in the same position for too long. He rolled his shoulders and stretched his arms a bit before he grabbed Taemin's hand to lead him to his small bedroom. Taemin laid on his side, and Jongin joined him, resting to face him. Immediately, Taemin's fingers came to play with his shirt, at the base of his neck.

"Jongin, will you hold me, please?"

.

-

.

It extended. The relief that Taemin felt whenever Jongin touched him. It came in waves, steady but powerful, every time he saw him from afar. When Jongin looked up at him. When Jongin smiled at him. Sometimes, it was there only from receiving a text from him. Or when Taemin's thoughts guided him to memories of the man holding him tightly.

At some point, he admitted that it was laced with a profound sense of comfort, relaxation, and happiness. It made him feel lighter, calmer.

"You look... cheerful," Jongin mused.

Taemin had his head on Jongin's lap and Jongin was stroking his hair.

"Do I?"

"Yes."

Taemin smiled at him and turned around, pressing his face on Jongin's thighs.

"I find it a bit unfair," Jongin whispered.

Taemin froze and looked at him with a frown.

"That I'm feeling happy?"

Jongin blinked a few times as if he just understood what he had said, and he shook his head with a worried face.

"No. No, no. That's not what I meant. I was thinking-... I can see and feel all of your bad feelings. I can identify sadness around you, I can recognize melancholy and despair and a whole panel of misery. But I can't feel your happiness. I can't tell your happy feelings from one another. It's... kind of frustrating."

Taemin relaxed against him and smiled at him with mischief.

"I've got to keep some secrets."

"I guess so."

Taemin took Jongin's hand in his and intertwined their fingers. Then he squeezed lightly.

"I understand, though. It must be confusing to discern someone so deeply one time and be left in the dark on other days. I find it quite unfortunate that you can't also feel someone's else happiness. I'd be bitter about it. Getting all that pain and not being able to get the good parts."

"I don't care about other people's good parts," Jongin grumbled with a shrug. "I just wish I could share yours."

Taemin's smile faded a bit and Jongin wondered why his gaze seemed so far away. He immediately regretted his words, even though he didn't get what was wrong with them.

"Don't you already?"

Taemin's voice was tiny and unsure.

There was a knock on the door and Minho's head appeared, calling for Taemin so they could get back into whatever work they had started earlier that afternoon. Jongin had forgotten what that day was about. Taemin straightened up and excused himself. His hand brushed into Jongin's hair before he disappeared away from him. Then Jongin gasped with the sudden realization of Taemin's words. A pang of slight guilt settled in his stomach.

He wasn't used to be so close to someone other than Jonghyun, who knew how to voice his feelings so accurately. Taemin wasn't good with words and spoke through actions. And Jongin spent the following few hours thinking deeply about how Taemin was destroying his barriers to let him in. To share himself with him. All good and bad parts.

.

-

.

Taemin didn't get a chance to knock. The door in front of him opened as his hand was held out in the air, and he looked over at Jongin with a small surprised pout. Jongin gave him a sheepish smile before he pulled him inside and hugged him.

"I heard the elevator," he murmured as an excuse for his behavior.

Taemin couldn't help the slight laugh that escaped his lips and he let himself lean back against Jongin.

"What's wrong?"

Jongin sounded worried. He moved away just enough to look at Taemin's tired face.

Taemin had called him earlier. He had sounded so worn out, so emotionally exhausted that Jongin had barely let him finish asking before he had answered that yes, of course, he could come over.

"It's just... one of those days," Taemin murmured with a shrug. "You know. One of those."

Jongin nodded and tried his best not to look too worried. There were days when he couldn't get out of bed either. There were days when he wouldn't get up at all if it wasn't for Taemin telling him that he missed him.

"I went to buy ice cream while you were on your way," Jongin offered, going away to his kitchen.

He had bought the ones Taemin liked the most. The ones with two sticks that they had to separate so they could each eat one part. It wasn't the most delicious ones, far from it, but Taemin liked that they shared an ice cream that used to be one. And Jongin liked to make him happy, even with the smallest things.

They sat on the small bench by the windows, with their sticks.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jongin asked.

"No. I'd like to talk about nice stuff. Do you have anything nice to tell me?"

Jongin stayed silent a few seconds. Then he told Taemin about a book he just finished that had been awesome. When they had finished their ice creams and were talking about that one time Taemin went to Switzerland alone, Taemin moved around. He leaned his back against the wall and gestured for Jongin to come closer. He brought him close, squirming a bit so they could reach the position he wanted. He sighed when he felt Jongin's back pressing against his chest and closed his arms around the man with a happy smile. Jongin was a bit tensed in his embrace because he wasn't used to be held. But as Taemin stroked his stomach and brushed his face in his hair, Jongin relaxed. It was new. It felt even more intimate than all those times when Jongin was the one holding him. It was so comfortable that Jongin barely paid attention to the stinging pain that crept into his stomach.

And Jongin hoped that Taemin couldn't perceive how fast his heart was beating. That would be embarrassing. He started playing with Taemin's fingers as they told each other all the countries they'd like to visit. One day. Maybe. Together.

"Did you go to school?" Taemin asked, out of the blue.

"Until I was 10. Then I got homeschooling," Jongin said.

"You didn't have any friends?"

"It was too awful. Nobody wanted to be friend with the kid who screamed when he was touched. I got some friends when I was old enough to go on internet. I met a bunch of people there but... I was quite an awkward teenager. I was already scared of people by then, I had no social skills whatsoever, everything was such a burden. Besides, once I met Jonghyun, I wasn't lonely anymore."

Taemin stayed silent for a few minutes and one of his hand rose to stroke Jongin's neck. His fingers ran all the way to the man's jaw, leaving a trail of chills behind them, and Jongin shivered in Taemin's arms.

"You never had a boyfriend, I guess?"

Taemin's voice was faint, it seemed so distant even though his mouth was barely a few centimeters away from Jongin's ear.

Jongin cowered on himself. He felt shy, all of a sudden, but he didn't feel like asking Taemin not to talk about that.

"Obviously not," he admitted in a low voice.

"You never got kissed?"

Taemin's fingers were so close to his lips that Jongin felt his heart ready to burst out of his chest. He tried not to let his mind wander too much about why Taemin would ask such questions all of a sudden.

"When I was a kid, I thought a kiss would fix me," Jongin mused in lieu of an answer.

"Why?" Taemin inquired. His voice sounded amused.

"Well, because I believed that you couldn't be sad if you kissed someone. The person I'd kiss would be happy and I'd be happy too and it would stop me from feeling any pain. So I really wanted to kiss someone."

Taemin lay his chin on top of Jongin's head and held him tighter.

"But then, I read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and it traumatized me."

Taemin perked up at that.

"What? Why?"

Jongin grumbled in his arms and scowled.

"When Harry got his first kiss with Cho Chang, she was crying because she had too many emotions. And when I read that part, my whole world collapsed. I realized that you could still be sad while kissing someone and it wouldn't magically make all of your problems disappear. I was really upset."

Taemin couldn't help the laugh that escaped his lips and made his chest tremble, and Jongin with it.

"Don't laugh," Jongin whined. "You have no idea how devastated I was that day..."

"I'm sorry," Taemin croaked.

Jongin huffed and Taemin tried to control his hilarity.

"Then you didn't want to kiss anyone anymore?" Taemin teased gently.

"No," Jongin pouted. "Jonghyun told me that it wouldn't fix me anyway so it all felt really overrated."

Jongin tried to shrink in Taemin's hold, turning his head so that Taemin couldn't see his face anymore. He could still feel the other's small fingers caressing his jaw.

"Besides," he admitted in a whisper, "later on, I was too busy having a crush on you to want to kiss someone else."

A grin slowly bloomed on Taemin's face and he approached his mouth closer to Jongin's ear.

"Oh? And did you ever think about kissing me?"

His tone was light and soft, and Jongin didn't even realize that the pain in his stomach had lessened to the point that it was barely discernible.

Jongin's ears turned pink with the embarrassed blush that crept over his face and Taemin felt his heart flutter at the sight of it.

"Yes...," he confessed. "Yes, I did."

Taemin brushed his lips over the shell of Jongin's ear in a tender kiss. Jongin jumped slightly in his arms and turned his head quickly, reflexively, to look at him with a confused expression. He could feel his cheeks turn from pink to red as Taemin left another smooth kiss on his cheekbone.

Taemin shifted under him, just enough to look at him better and cup his face in one hand.

"Is it painful?" he asked.

Jongin didn't trust his voice, because his throat felt far too dry and tight, so he shook his head. Taemin kissed his cheekbone once more, and then came lower on his cheek. He kissed his nose, and Jongin felt like there wasn't any air in the room anymore. He felt warmth all over and he couldn't tell if it came from Taemin's precious hold on him, or from his heart melting from happiness, but it dulled any remnant of pain or sadness left inside of him.

Taemin brushed their noses together and Jongin closed his eyes. Their lips were so close he could feel Taemin's breath on his mouth, and he waited, with his heart hammering in his chest. Taemin kissed him. So softly that Jongin could have dreamed it.

He tried to kiss Taemin back but his lips were trembling. He knew what he was supposed to do, theoretically, but achieving anything through the wild, raw feelings of pure bliss that ravaged his heart was something else. Taemin was kissing him and he was kissing Taemin.

Taemin took his time to taste and cherish Jongin's lips, he didn't want to part just yet. So he kissed him, over and over again, pressing their mouths together and stroking Jongin's hair and neck with his hands.

He parted his lips, trying to find his breath back, and Jongin did the same, still, they remained glued together, inhaling each other's scent. Taemin let his mouth travel a bit on Jongin's chin, and the corner of his lips before he came back to kiss him again, more and more. Something warm was swelling inside his chest and it felt like he would lose his whole world if he let Jongin go away from him.

Jongin was both shy and daring; it was overwhelming. He timidly nibbled on Taemin's bottom lip, chasing something he couldn't explain.

"I love you," Taemin murmured against Jongin's lips.

Jongin gasped and opened his eyes. He shifted away slightly, but Taemin held his face close to continue kissing him. After a few more kisses to Jongin's already puffy lips, Taemin sighed.

"I love you, Jongin," he said once more, finally opening his eyelids to meet Jongin's lost gaze. "I love you. _I love you so much._ "

Jongin moved and almost fell off Taemin's arms and down the bench. He managed to cling to his spot by some miracle and turned around to sit in front of Taemin who was still looking at him sheepishly. Jongin cupped Taemin's face fervently and crushed their mouths together once more, greedily. He thought for a second that he was too eager and probably awkward, but Taemin didn't seem to be complaining.

"I love you too," he murmured, out of breath.

Taemin smiled; a happy, wide grin, so beautiful that Jongin felt his heart soar to his throat. Then Taemin squirmed closer, crawling on Jongin's lap to hold him tight and hide against his chest.

"It doesn't hurt?" he asked once more.

"It's alright," Jongin said.

The lingering sadness crouched in the bottom of his belly didn't matter when their shared happiness was shining so brightly and radiating through his whole being.

.

.

.

**Author's Note:**

> ♥  
> thank you a lot for reading. I hope it brought you something ... anything, good or at least interesting
> 
> You can find me on tumblr/twitter @moonyki
> 
> The title of this story comes from a song by the Gazette


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